


Breathe In And Breathe Life

by Lesbianna



Category: Glee
Genre: David Karofsky cameo, Episode: s03e14 On My Way, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Kurt/Blaine are together but it's not mentioned in this, M/M, Missing Scene, Pre-Slash, Sebastian listens to Kurt, discussion of David's suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 09:04:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesbianna/pseuds/Lesbianna
Summary: After Sebastian's apology in the Lima Bean, Kurt can't bring himself to fully leave. He stays outside the cafe, breathing in the air and trying to really breathe. Sebastian hasn't left either."He doesn’t expect it, it’s just something he knows will happen.And it does. Sebastian stands in the late winter air for a moment, looking at Kurt, sitting there.Heavy footsteps fall on the hard stone steps, as Sebastian Smythe moves to stand, towering above him. Strangely enough, it doesn’t feel like Sebastian is bigger than him, like he fills up more space.A moment passes; Kurt can feel Sebastian’s gaze on him, but it doesn’t feel like the crawling of ants that it used to; doesn’t feel careless and cruel. More confused.Sebastian sits down."





	Breathe In And Breathe Life

The air is cool, clean. Almost crisp, like the lining of a suit, like a freshly dry-cleaned and ironed Alexander McQueen shirt. Kurt can’t count how many of his shirts he has ironed in the past few days. The monotony allowed him to breathe. Clothes were always his distraction, his sword and armor. Not just when he wore them in spite of his bullies, but also when he takes care of them, smoothing out wrinkles, hanging them up, sewing extra buttons on them, making secret pockets. It’s calming, he thinks, to take care of clothes. When he’s good to his clothes, he feels like they’re speaking to him. When he’d been cleaning out slushy stains, they were telling him that they’d protect him.

Blaine can laugh about the layers all he wants, but they are protecting him in this town.

He almost ruined his favorite shirt yesterday, when he was ironing, though. He was just standing there moving the iron as you do, when his eyes fell on the belt he had looped into the jeans he was wearing. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe, his knees buckling, as he imagined looping it around his neck and hanging himself from the rafters, just like David did, oh god. He almost stumbles to the ground, only just managing to be smart enough to turn off the ironer before it burns the shirt. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to wear that belt again any time soon. Not until Dave is okay. Not until he can breathe a little more freely.

Not until he’s allowed to see Dave. 72 hour suicide watch… Kurt feels a little sick. He wonders why he can’t think of what just happened inside the Lima Bean, why all he can think of is comparing the air to suits and not the way he’s gulping in the air like he’s starved for it. He’s so scared, and all he wants right now is to go to the hospital, find Dave and know that he’s alive. He remembers the Dave he met at Scandals, happier, more grown up. A bear cub. A dry, throaty chuckle tears its way out of his throat, it’s almost painful.

He knows he should go home, wait things to calm down… but he can’t move. He feels as though he’s shackled to the brick wall of the Lima Bean right now. He doesn’t know how to move forwards from this.

Maybe he should go back inside. Sebastian’s still inside, he thinks. It doesn’t fill him with the dread or irritation it used to, the thought that Sebastian is there. Sebastian had almost been crying earlier. _It’s all fun and games… Until it’s not._ The look in his eyes, the way he had shifted his gaze to Kurt… He thinks he believes him.

But the air is crisp and clean like a suit, so he doesn’t go back inside.  Instead, he moves a few feet, and sits down on the top step of the stairs to the café. He’s not preventing anyone from going in or out, but it feels good to sit down. He realizes that his legs had been aching a little from standing.

The air is like smoke as he exhales.

He is still sitting there, he doesn’t even know how long he’s been sitting there, when the door to the Lima Bean opens, and Sebastian comes out. Kurt somehow knows that Sebastian will sit down next to him now. He doesn’t expect it, it’s just something he knows will happen.

And it does. Sebastian stands in the late winter air for a moment, looking at Kurt, sitting there.

Heavy footsteps fall on the hard stone steps, as Sebastian Smythe moves to stand, towering above him. Strangely enough, it doesn’t feel like Sebastian is bigger than him, like he fills up more space.

A moment passes; Kurt can feel Sebastian’s gaze on him, but it doesn’t feel like the crawling of ants that it used to; doesn’t feel careless and cruel. More confused.

Sebastian sits down.

He doesn’t say hello. Kurt likes it, because every time he’s said hello so far, it’s been accompanied by insults (“ _Blaine’s too good for you”, “gay face”, “You’re wearing boy clothes for once,”)_ and even if it’s really impolite, he likes not having Sebastian saying hello right now.

He thinks that maybe they aren’t going to speak. Maybe they’ll just sit here, in uncomfortable silence, because they aren’t anything to each other anymore. He glances over at Sebastian, who looks just as uncomfortable as Kurt feels, and looks away, watches a lone Volvo drive by on the road.

“He was my first kiss, you know.”

Apparently _Kurt_ is going to speak. Words fall out, as his stomach clenches and unclenches then clenches again. Dave’s face flashes through his mind’s eye.

( _“So go ahead. Hit me.” David Karofsky is staring, a little bit terrified and a little bit excited. “Oh I promise you I will.” Azimio moves forward, the eyes that crinkle in the corners when sweet-talking the teachers are cold. Dave looks resolved, relieved.)_

A sharp intake of breath is heard from Sebastian. He can feel the air tremble between them.

“He was mean back then, a bully. I was used to being bullied, it’d been my everyday life for years. But David was singling me out. He’d by-pass others to make sure I got an icy drink in the face, walking past every other geek or loser to nail me, make sure I got acquainted with the lockers again that day.”

He can almost the pain of the crash into the metal surface; David Karofsky had power in his arms, and he’d push hard, as though hoping Kurt would be blown through the metal, would be torn to pieces against sharp edges.

“He’d call me names too, and I’d be - I was so far from okay. When you’ve been called a lady-boy and told you belong in the trash every single day, you start to believe it. Once, Mr Schue found me sitting on the floor, shaking, and told me he thought it was  _getting to me_. As though I should just let it roll off. As though I wasn’t allowed to be terrified. As though the bullying was _okay_. But I mean, they’d almost beat me up the year before, sophomore year, and now I was a junior and my dad had had a heart attack, my dad was in a  _coma_  and David Karofsky was relentless, I was  _so fucking scared-”_ the words are just _coming now,_ he can’t stop them, can’t stop the endless word vomit. He hasn’t ever talked about this.

Sebastian interrupts. “Couldn’t your mom- Couldn’t she talk to the principle? Or-”

Kurt laughs, a harsh, short laugh. “She died when I was eight. My dad was all I had. He _is_ all I have. I will give up everything, for my dad’s happiness. I will let Rachel win, so my dad doesn’t get calls about what a faggy son he has. I will back out of the duet with another guy, because my father told me to. I will do _anything_ for my father.”

There’s the silence again, for a few moments. It’s filled with a thrumming anticipation of things to come. “So he was mean and a bully, and then-?”

Sebastian’s voice feels like a heartbeat, it reverberates through him, and he wants to keep going. He hasn’t told anyone about this. No one knows everything, but it feels right to tell Sebastian. He doesn’t know why, but Sebastian deserves to know.

“I confronted him. It was stupid, but I had just met Blaine, and he told me it was something he regretted not doing at his old school, adviced me to have courage and whatnot. I don’t know.” He huffs. “So David knocks me into the lockers and goes into the locker room, and I follow him, screaming and shouting, and all of a sudden he’s kissing me. I remember what I said, the moment before he did it. ‘ What are you so scared of?’ He grabbed my face and planted one on me. And it was so scary and unexpected, I felt so violated. I told Blaine, he was the only one I told. Blaine came to the school with me, tried to confront him, but it ended up being me who had to push David off Blaine.” He sighs, and adds derisively, “So much for fight club!”

They’re quiet. He feels Sebastian move closer, the air still crackling with static energy. It feels comforting and scary.

“So David was scared I’d tell other people.. I mean, I’d already told someone, so he threatened my life, and it wasn’t really that I feared he’d kill me, but he could seriously hurt me. He’d touch me, nothing I could report, but - touches that no bully would give his victim. Stroking my chest, and stealing the cake topper for my dad and stepmom’s wedding. I was the wedding planner. So when my dad found out about the death threat, I was transferred to Dalton and I still kept my mouth shut.”

“You didn’t- You said nothing?? Because you were afraid?”

And there’s the judgmental tone in Sebastian’s voice. It feels a little reassuring, that it’s still there. That the person he’s talking to isn’t a freaking pod-person or something. Kurt still can’t help that he curls in on himself though, because that’s what he’s done every time he’s heard that tone, protecting his fragile underbelly. Most of the time he’s been able to hide behind quips and layers, only allowing himself to curl up when he’s in his bed alone at night or smelling his mom’s flowery perfume.

“You didn’t tell anyone even though you could have been hurt even more? Why would you _do that_?”

“Because no one deserves to be outed, okay?!” he rasps, almost angrily. “That’s what happened to him, now, at the new school, he got outed, and he wasn’t ready, and people were leaving all of these shitty messages and defacing his locker. And do you know why he got outed? Because he had been sending me secret admirer gifts, and I had gone to meet him, on Valentine’s day. I thought it was Blaine playing coy or whatever. But it was David, and he sits there and holds my hand, and I reject him, because I have a boyfriend. And then some guy from the team on his school notices him, and starts talking smack, because no straight guy hangs out with a guy like me on V-day. I’m  _obvious._ And I mean, the fact that last year he was crowned Prom King, while I was voted Prom Queen didn’t help, even though no one knew about him being gay. It probably gave that idiot some extra ammunition, though. _And he tried talking to me._ David, I mean. He was calling me again and again, but I thought it would be better for him to have a break from feeling things for me. But instead this shit happens, and I just- I-”

Sebastian watches him, his eyes unsure, his mouth twisted downwards. Kurt can’t bear looking at him for more than a few seconds at a time, and he can’t bear talking any longer. But then Sebastian speaks, and he listens.

“He’s alive, Kurt. He’s alive, and I think you can help him. And I think every second you’re there will help, because you understand every single thing that happened to him.” He places a hand on Kurt’s spine, pressing slightly. ”You both even know what it’s like when Sebastian Smythe insults you and tells you that the way you look is wrong. But Sebastian Smythe is a right bastard sometimes.”

“He’s still here though; there are- people are there to help him stay alive. Professionals, who can help him. His family too. You don’t shoulder the blame for him trying to die. You can’t. But he’s alive.” His hand burn, like a clothing iron that hasn’t been turned off, heat radiating into his skin.

“He’s alive.”

Kurt turns his head, and looks at Sebastian. Sebastian who looks like a meerkat, and has reassuring green eyes - they are a little red too - and a warm breath blows against his cheek.

“Yeah. He is.”

Kurt coughs, throat so dry and so dead, and inhales sharply. _Alive, alive, alive_. His heart thuds, and a corner of his mouth quirks weakly. He can’t help but think that it’s good that Sebastian is alive too.

The air is crisp and clean like a suit or, even, a Dalton blazer. He can taste the rain in it. Spring is coming soon, and new things will grow, new things will come. And they’re alive, alive, _alive._

**Author's Note:**

> I posted a very, very loose script of this on tumblr, and decided to write it as an actual story. It's a scene I really wanted to write; something I wish they would have shown, and something that could have started off a great story arc for Sebastian, instead of the one in which he will always remain the villain, instead of just a boy.
> 
> http://mylesbianheartblr.tumblr.com/post/161822750879/cant-you-just-imagine-a-sebastian-redemption


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